" See you later alligator "

i don't even know how to start this, but okay here goes something. Honestly first things first, weed is the only thing that helps me at the moment, it helps me relax and soothe my inner self. It clears my mind of all it's troubles, wish i could say the same for my heart. I'm basically confused and hurt. It's "Bittersweet" poetry if anything. You tell me you trust me, you tell me your TRYING to be open, you also told me your falling inlove with me. It's all there, everything i've hoped for...(besides the fact that you said your trying to be open, still confused on why you said that, confused me even more) I can't say i'm always open cus to be honest i'm not always open. I wanna tell you things that bother me, the things you do that make me feel uncomortable. But i don't wanna sound like a nag and shit, so i tend to keep it to myself, and sometimes (correct me if i'm wrong) but i think you do it purposely. Once incident was at kayla's jam. You go on for a good 10 mins telling me how you were in the basement with a guy you just met named michael or something. Drunk outta your minds you guys chilled and talked and whatever. Then you go on showing me pictures you guys took together. I tried playing it off by saying " oh word ? " & " true trueee " . Anything that popped into my mind. But inside i was just like, what the fuck is she doin? like i'm just gonna be okay about that like wtf. I would tell you that shit like that bothers me but i wanna test you sometimes, like to see if your really oblivious to what would bother someone, especially your boyfriend. I don't think telling him about how you were drunk, alone with a random guy in the basement, talking and taking pictures would make him smile . I mean, i don't do this to you, do i ? Like how i take pictures with next girls or how i chill with girls with only us two, cus i know your gonna start thinkin shit. Plus it's unnecessary to tell you, like...why would i want you to feel confused, true? But i guess i fall in easily. I'll put on a fake smile just so you can put on a real one. If talking about things that you want make you happy, then i'll try taking in whatever more i can just so you can talk. Another incident was at jen's when you popped. We went over this before and what not so i'm not repeating what happened. You know how i felt and how fucked my mind was that night, that's why i don't like it when you popped e and i told you this. I never asked you stop, but you told me yourself that night walking back from the gas station that you were going to and i took your word for it. A couple days ago your online trying to hustle my boy Adrian for some e. Turns out your gonna pop at body endglish. I didn't wanna remind you of what you said that night at jen's, it's whatever, do whatever you want that makes you happy, though it confuses me half the time. Right now your at a viet jam filled with a buncha guys that you know and i don't know that are trying to get at you. You tell me they're all fam friends and shit but yeah i take your word for it. But do i trust them? Abso-fuckin-lutely not. Come on like you heard what happened to jitz and mini. Fam friend, godbrother and whatever do matter, that shit happened and could happen to you. I skipped about 3 - 4 jams FILLED with girls and e just so you wouldn't feel uncomfortable. Cus obviously your gonna ask me bout the jam and what do i tell you ? " Yeah it was all chicks and shit and we all popped, but don't worry cus i didn't do nothing " . You'd take my word for it but inside you'd be all WTF?! I know cus that's how i feel too, most of the time. All i can really do is vent out to my closest, Adrian, Lester and whatever. They understand my situation alot and both gave me relavent feedback. " Your too much of a nice guy to tell her how you feel to hold back your feelings like that, man if i was in your situation then i'd already be gone bro " . I ask myself sometimes how come i'm still here? One answer always lead to another question. I'm still here cus i'm falling inlove with you, but do i want to be ? I'm scarred of being hurt again, you take many risks when falling in love and i don't know if i'm ready or willing to anymore. I can't stand it, days, weeks, months of a torn up heart. The reason why i'm venting out now is because of the incident that happened a couple days ago. This happened before apparently someone's sending you pictures of me and my ex...I obviously wanna know but you'd rather defend them and not expose who and whatever. But take this in, the thing that got me the most was when you told me your not comfortable telling me who sent you the pictures...Wow, my own girl not comfortable telling me things. It involves me so obviously i would wanna know, if it didn't then i wouldn't give a shit who sending you pictures. I'm bothered someone's sending you pictures of me and my ex, but fuck me being bothered, you'd rather defend that person instead. That's why i haven't been in the mood to talk to lately, cus i'd have a feeling i'd explode like this, that's why i'm doing to here. I've made alot of sacrifices to tell you the truth, i'm not saying you haven't, i'm just saying my sacrifices have never been done before for anyone else. To be honest i do let girls pay for me, just not you, i liked you too much to have you waste your money on me, but all my other exes, they payed for whatever they wanted. I just thought you'd find it more charming if i payed for all the expenses in the date. I had to pay 4 - 5 bills for my last phone bill cus i kept calling you, and i wasn't free. I didn't wanna tell you cus you were used to me calling so i said fuck it, now i pay the consequences, i gave you hints as well, and i asked you why you don't call me and shit. I was saving up for stuff as well, but now i gotta start all over. I'm not blaming you for this no, i'm responsible for my own actions, it was my mistake. I really don't wanna say anymore cus i sound like a chick talking about my feelings. I don't ask anything from you, i don't even make you pay for me, all i need is time and space. I need to think whether if i'm ready for what's ahead, of if i should give up now while i still have a chance and not risk getting hurt even more. You probably need some time as well considering you told me whether your ready to fall inlove with me and whatever, consider this your chance to think stuff over as well. I'm gone off facebook and all this shit for a bit so here's goodbye to that. I have nothing else i want to say, i'm ghost.